Solving Marriage Problems
Marriage problems are as old as marriage itself. How we deal with problems has changed over the centuries, though. Once we were stuck in a marriage no matter what and people stayed for a lifetime, through abuse and unhappiness. Now, it seems, the pendulum has swung the other way and we are often surprised by the problems we encounter and then tend to give up too quickly.
I have been fortunate enough to have been through two failed marriages, and even more fortunate to have learned enough to now be a partner in a wonderful one. I sincerely hope that I can share some insights that will help others through what can be a very painful time dealing with marriage problems.
I'd like to say at this point that you aren't going to simply read a web page on marriage problems and suddenly solve everything. This is a place to start, and offers tips, resource information and guidelines to remember and work on over time.
Honesty
In relationships I believe that honesty is a very important ingredient. That means being honest with yourself first, and then being honest with your partner. Once you are experiencing marriage problems you must first ask yourself if you want to find a solution or not – honestly. Then you need to think about how much are you prepared to do, how far will you go, to work things out with your partner. Finally, ask yourself why you want to work things out. Sometimes when we honestly examine our motives we find out things we didn’t know about ourselves…be prepared to act on your honesty and not to bury it because it’s not what we want it to be – or because it’s easier that way.
In order to solve almost any marriage problem you need to put your own ego aside. It becomes less about the individual and more about the “marriage” itself. Give up judging, accusing, and pre-conceived notions about what the other person “really means”.
It takes two people to solve a problem in any marriage or relationship so have your partner do the same exercise in honesty and then decide together if you both want to put the effort into improving or solving your dilemma. It is not an easy task at the best of times to get past the emotional to the rational and actually come up with real solutions.
Communication
Communication, or the lack of it, is at the root of many marriage problems. Don’t ever assume that you know what the other person is thinking. It’s essential to talk about your problems and feelings in a non-threatening environment where each person can express their point of view without consequences. The important thing here is to stick strictly to the facts. Don’t say what the other person intended by their actions, say only what they did. Don’t say what the other person was thinking; only what they actually said. Then you need to find a way to say how you feel about the “facts” in a way that does not accuse, but simply states your feelings. This is more difficult than it sounds.
It is important to be aware of how you respond to what is said to you. You want to respond to your partner not react. If you feel yourself “reacting” it is best to take a break and come back when you feel you can “respond”. If things are explosive it is helpful to have one person express their viewpoint on one occasion and then make a designated time later for the other to “respond”. Use the time out to form a response keeping the rules outlined above in mind.
As an example…I might be upset that my husband parked the horse trailer in the wrong place. A reaction would be; “you put the trailer there just to bug me…” A response would be “when you parked the trailer there I felt like you just wanted to bug me…”
If you feel that your partner has expressed a view in a non-factual way just say, “that is not fact, please re-phrase it so I can respond”. Since there is always so much emotion involved when problems surface in a relationship this is a very difficult exercise. However, if you cannot communicate effectively how can you solve a problem?
A very important rule to keep in mind is that you MUST deal with one marriage problem at a time. When the discussion sidelines to another problem you need to say; "can we deal with that problem later, we need to deal with this one first". Sidelines always confuse a situation and the result is usually that nothing is resolved.
It is always best to try to open the lines of communication before the problem becomes too emotional. Try to stay on top of your own feelings and to be aware of your partner as well. If you notice that your partner seems to have a problem try to ask in a non-threatening way if there is a problem. This way you can hopefully address issues before they become too large. I would suggest reading some books on effective communications. My favorite is People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, PhD. Dr. Phil is another great author and communicator, and there are many others. Do your homework; it will be worth the effort!
Ask for Help
Sometimes it seems that your marriage problem is just too hard. Discussions become fights, ugly things are said and communicating with your partner seems impossible. Ask for Help. If you can seek help from a third party you will often find that they ask the right questions to open the lines of communication and you may begin to see things in a more objective manner – in other words you will have a better understanding of where your partner is coming from, and maybe even where you are as well. There are many sources of help with marriage and relationship problems. If you have religious affiliations you can seek help there. Speak to your family doctor and ask for a referral to a counsellor. Many therapists are listed online and you can sometimes get an idea of what types of problems they specialize in. Try not to bring friends and family into the mix unless you have to as they are probably not going to be objective…wherever you go for help be prepared to give it all you’ve got in terms of effort, and if you don’t find help the first time, look for someone else!
Finally, read, study, and keep searching. Once you find the key to solving your problems you will be able to use that key forever, in all your relationships.
I have been fortunate enough to have been through two failed marriages, and even more fortunate to have learned enough to now be a partner in a wonderful one. I sincerely hope that I can share some insights that will help others through what can be a very painful time dealing with marriage problems.
I'd like to say at this point that you aren't going to simply read a web page on marriage problems and suddenly solve everything. This is a place to start, and offers tips, resource information and guidelines to remember and work on over time.
Honesty
In relationships I believe that honesty is a very important ingredient. That means being honest with yourself first, and then being honest with your partner. Once you are experiencing marriage problems you must first ask yourself if you want to find a solution or not – honestly. Then you need to think about how much are you prepared to do, how far will you go, to work things out with your partner. Finally, ask yourself why you want to work things out. Sometimes when we honestly examine our motives we find out things we didn’t know about ourselves…be prepared to act on your honesty and not to bury it because it’s not what we want it to be – or because it’s easier that way.
In order to solve almost any marriage problem you need to put your own ego aside. It becomes less about the individual and more about the “marriage” itself. Give up judging, accusing, and pre-conceived notions about what the other person “really means”.
It takes two people to solve a problem in any marriage or relationship so have your partner do the same exercise in honesty and then decide together if you both want to put the effort into improving or solving your dilemma. It is not an easy task at the best of times to get past the emotional to the rational and actually come up with real solutions.
Communication
Communication, or the lack of it, is at the root of many marriage problems. Don’t ever assume that you know what the other person is thinking. It’s essential to talk about your problems and feelings in a non-threatening environment where each person can express their point of view without consequences. The important thing here is to stick strictly to the facts. Don’t say what the other person intended by their actions, say only what they did. Don’t say what the other person was thinking; only what they actually said. Then you need to find a way to say how you feel about the “facts” in a way that does not accuse, but simply states your feelings. This is more difficult than it sounds.
It is important to be aware of how you respond to what is said to you. You want to respond to your partner not react. If you feel yourself “reacting” it is best to take a break and come back when you feel you can “respond”. If things are explosive it is helpful to have one person express their viewpoint on one occasion and then make a designated time later for the other to “respond”. Use the time out to form a response keeping the rules outlined above in mind.
As an example…I might be upset that my husband parked the horse trailer in the wrong place. A reaction would be; “you put the trailer there just to bug me…” A response would be “when you parked the trailer there I felt like you just wanted to bug me…”
If you feel that your partner has expressed a view in a non-factual way just say, “that is not fact, please re-phrase it so I can respond”. Since there is always so much emotion involved when problems surface in a relationship this is a very difficult exercise. However, if you cannot communicate effectively how can you solve a problem?
A very important rule to keep in mind is that you MUST deal with one marriage problem at a time. When the discussion sidelines to another problem you need to say; "can we deal with that problem later, we need to deal with this one first". Sidelines always confuse a situation and the result is usually that nothing is resolved.
It is always best to try to open the lines of communication before the problem becomes too emotional. Try to stay on top of your own feelings and to be aware of your partner as well. If you notice that your partner seems to have a problem try to ask in a non-threatening way if there is a problem. This way you can hopefully address issues before they become too large. I would suggest reading some books on effective communications. My favorite is People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts by Robert Bolton, PhD. Dr. Phil is another great author and communicator, and there are many others. Do your homework; it will be worth the effort!
Ask for Help
Sometimes it seems that your marriage problem is just too hard. Discussions become fights, ugly things are said and communicating with your partner seems impossible. Ask for Help. If you can seek help from a third party you will often find that they ask the right questions to open the lines of communication and you may begin to see things in a more objective manner – in other words you will have a better understanding of where your partner is coming from, and maybe even where you are as well. There are many sources of help with marriage and relationship problems. If you have religious affiliations you can seek help there. Speak to your family doctor and ask for a referral to a counsellor. Many therapists are listed online and you can sometimes get an idea of what types of problems they specialize in. Try not to bring friends and family into the mix unless you have to as they are probably not going to be objective…wherever you go for help be prepared to give it all you’ve got in terms of effort, and if you don’t find help the first time, look for someone else!
Finally, read, study, and keep searching. Once you find the key to solving your problems you will be able to use that key forever, in all your relationships.