Communication Skills for Couples
I first started to think about communication skills sometime in the 90’s watching the Oprah show. Her special guest was John Gray, Ph.D., author of “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”. This show changed the way I saw men. Up until then I had seen myself as a helpless victim of men for the most part. I felt that men had no understanding of women whatsoever, and that they didn’t really care to. On the other hand, I had no clear understanding of men and that didn’t seem to be changing.
Dr. Gray helped me to see that it isn’t about who is right or wrong. It has nothing to do with better/worse it is simply about different. Learning the differences in understanding and communication style between men and women is not about making excuses. It’s about seeing from an objective point of view that what we think we are saying is not always what others hear us say. A quick way to test this theory is to ask your partner to repeat back to you what they have heard you say, or what they think you mean by something.
It is best to practice this when you are not in the middle of an argument. Find an appropriate time in a conversation to simply say, “What do you think I just said?” and listen carefully to the response. You may be surprised by what you hear. At the same time, ask your partner to do the same to you. After explaining something to you have them ask what you heard and then have them listen carefully to your response. This simple exercise will show you just how much we all need to improve our communication skills.
Dr. Gray says “We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone.” If we can understand the differences between the way men and women communicate, we can reduce the confusion that usually surrounds conflicts between the sexes. Instead of setting ourselves up for failure we can set ourselves (and our relationships) up for success using effective communication skills. In his book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, Dr. Gray outlines basic differences between the sexes. This book is a must read not only for everyone in a relationship, but also for those who want to improve their communication skills with the opposite sex.
According to Dr. Gray, men fall into the category of “Mr. Fix-It”, while women are the home improvement committee. The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things.
Dr. Gray says that these two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Likewise, so many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.
To feel better men go to their caves to solve problems alone. Women get together and openly talk about their problems. Men and women can learn to live together in peace only when they are able to respect their differences. Men can learn to respect that women need to talk to feel better. Even if they don’t have much to say men can learn that by listening they can be very supportive. Women learn to respect that men need to withdraw to cope with stress. Understanding these basic differences helps us improve our communication skills and to apply them effectively.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways…not to be needed is a slow death for a man. A woman’s tendency to be compulsive (and to give too much) relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love – she doesn’t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.
Communication skills are the most important element in a relationship. Learning effective communication takes time, patience, study and practice. Talking openly, without judging, and respecting the differences inherent in each sex is the only way to find our way through the confusion between us. Just as communication is the most important element, arguments can be the most destructive. According to Dr. Gray, most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it. There is always a way to find a win-win solution to arguments or problems, but it is not always easy to find. Working to improve your communication skills will make you and your partner happier for the effort. A good place to start is to get Dr. Gray’s book and read it through.
Dr. Gray helped me to see that it isn’t about who is right or wrong. It has nothing to do with better/worse it is simply about different. Learning the differences in understanding and communication style between men and women is not about making excuses. It’s about seeing from an objective point of view that what we think we are saying is not always what others hear us say. A quick way to test this theory is to ask your partner to repeat back to you what they have heard you say, or what they think you mean by something.
It is best to practice this when you are not in the middle of an argument. Find an appropriate time in a conversation to simply say, “What do you think I just said?” and listen carefully to the response. You may be surprised by what you hear. At the same time, ask your partner to do the same to you. After explaining something to you have them ask what you heard and then have them listen carefully to your response. This simple exercise will show you just how much we all need to improve our communication skills.
Dr. Gray says “We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone.” If we can understand the differences between the way men and women communicate, we can reduce the confusion that usually surrounds conflicts between the sexes. Instead of setting ourselves up for failure we can set ourselves (and our relationships) up for success using effective communication skills. In his book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus”, Dr. Gray outlines basic differences between the sexes. This book is a must read not only for everyone in a relationship, but also for those who want to improve their communication skills with the opposite sex.
According to Dr. Gray, men fall into the category of “Mr. Fix-It”, while women are the home improvement committee. The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them. When a woman loves a man she feels responsible to assist him in growing and tries to help him improve the way he does things.
Dr. Gray says that these two problems can finally be solved by first understanding why men offer solutions and why women seek to improve. A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results. To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships. Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Likewise, so many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s. He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships.
To feel better men go to their caves to solve problems alone. Women get together and openly talk about their problems. Men and women can learn to live together in peace only when they are able to respect their differences. Men can learn to respect that women need to talk to feel better. Even if they don’t have much to say men can learn that by listening they can be very supportive. Women learn to respect that men need to withdraw to cope with stress. Understanding these basic differences helps us improve our communication skills and to apply them effectively.
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways…not to be needed is a slow death for a man. A woman’s tendency to be compulsive (and to give too much) relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love – she doesn’t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.
Communication skills are the most important element in a relationship. Learning effective communication takes time, patience, study and practice. Talking openly, without judging, and respecting the differences inherent in each sex is the only way to find our way through the confusion between us. Just as communication is the most important element, arguments can be the most destructive. According to Dr. Gray, most couples start out arguing about one thing and, within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings. Men are most prone to argue when they have made a mistake or upset the woman they love. Emotionally charged arguments and quarrels can be avoided if we can understand what our partner needs and remember to give it. There is always a way to find a win-win solution to arguments or problems, but it is not always easy to find. Working to improve your communication skills will make you and your partner happier for the effort. A good place to start is to get Dr. Gray’s book and read it through.